Ian Kemper

Ian Kemper Patron

"The owls are not what they seem"

Favorite films

  • Forbidden Planet
  • Rio Bravo
  • Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein
  • The 'Burbs

Recent activity

All
  • The Burning

    ★★★½

  • Demon Wind

    ★★½

  • The Case of the Scorpion's Tail

    ★★★★

  • Death Ship

    ★★½

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  • Gremlins

    Gremlins

    ★★★★★

    The Gremlins did Nothing Wrong


    A: They didn't ask to be born.

    Their very existence was brought about by negligence and an unwillingness to follow the most basic rules. Imagine how you'd act if you came into this world unwanted, despised, feared and misunderstood. God forbid they act out in a manner unbecoming of those who look to destroy them.

    B: They only killed those who deserved it.

    Mrs. Deagle was a royal bitch who wanted to kill Barney in…

  • The Church

    The Church

    ★★★½

    This movie is wildly entertaining if a bit uneven. It's like the skeezy cousin of Carpenters Prince of Darkness. I find it very amusing that Soavi wanted to make a more respectable horror film instead of what this basically is, Demons 3, but apparently producer Dario Argento had other things in mind. I like to imagine their interactions went something like this:


    M: Hey Dario your secretary says you want to go over some things?

    D: Michele, we need to…

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  • The Burning

    The Burning

    ★★★½

    If one person would've done their job, a job they were paid to do, 10 people would still be alive.





    After five excruciating years in the burn ward dealing with countless abrasion sessions and failed skin grafts, caretaker Cropsey is reluctantly released back to civilization. With skin looking like a melted pile of earthworms, and an incessant unbearable pain, he's forced to walk amongst the populace covered from head to toe so as not to draw ridicule and disgust.

    Now,…

  • Demon Wind

    Demon Wind

    ★★½

    Although this starts off with some nice John Carpenter vibes, things pretty quickly take a left turn towards Rubén Galindo Jr. territory with a strong case of the Evil Dead's. While there's plenty to like here, and most of it's absurd, the movie runs out of steam and ideas at the 3/4 mark when our ever dwindling group of teens spend an eternity shooting small holes in an ever increasing group of demons. It's almost as if Writer/Director Charles Philip…

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  • The Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker

    The Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker

    ★★½

    Pretty interesting doc about a mentally ill man doing things that mentally ill people do and being exploited to do so by a bunch of industry vultures who in turn act shocked when this man does a heinous crime that is exactly like what he has been saying he would do on social media. Everyone sucks here.

  • Dune: Part Two

    Dune: Part Two

    ★★★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    So on the one hand you get to have an entire worlds population worship you as their messiah, see all the paths of the future, have Anya Taylor-Joy tell you she loves you, get sweet revenge on the family that murdered your dad and killed your people, become the Emperor of the universe, marry Florence Pugh and presumably inherit her fashion advisor, and get to wipe the annoying smirk from Austin Butler's pale-ass face...

    But on the other hand, you…